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So Iapos;m in Deland until Monday, yay me. As soon as I got here my parents went out of town. Lame.

Iapos;m mostly here to visit my friend who just graduated from the Marines, but he has no cell phone right now since he just got out of boot camp, so finding him is proving to be a bit difficult, who would have thought I couldnapos;t find someone in Deland? I always manage to find Sarah or one of her parents when I come to town, even though I actively try to avoid doing that...I guess I just have bad luck when it comes to stuff like that.

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Sorry for the potentially incoherent nature of this post:
for some reason im feeling reallu unmotivated to detail what happened on thursday because i think itll might cause me to reflect on how little i remember and how many mistakes i potentially made. Thursdays usually go as follows: clas until 6:15 followed my shopping for susans thursday outfit (never exceeding $14 and never going very far past her ass) followed by a liquor run, some alone time in my room, shower, pre-game, drunk bus, BLACKOUT. Not every thursday but def most. The trend is usually blackout because i never end up eating much on thursdays but this thursday was different. Susan had to take her awful autrailaians to the airport to pick up their friend, and susan(her roomie) had the night off from work so we had plans to grad Chipotle, go halloween costume shopping and then drink. So that happened and THANK GOD I ate because by the amount i drank, the drunk bus would have been covered with nothing but i nice display of me dry-heaving. We pre-gamed in the awwful austrailian duoapos;s room, then relocated into susan and steffs room and then relocated to jays room. Jay got back from volleyball and had no interest in groving it so we went our separate ways. Met up with susan to board the drunk bus with the usual corwd of UM students excpet this wekeend was fall break (no class on friday..which is my normal sched) anyway. I had imagined that the grove would be extra crowed because of this, but instead a lot of poeple had gone home for the weekend, or away on some type of tournament-- so the same amount of drunk UM kids were crowding to get a seat. I struck up conversation with this guy next to me in the way that i usually mack it to guys-- by making fun of the trashy retarded girl that hes talking to. AND OBVIOULSY my game has not failed me yet cuz he goes "your awesome..WHATS YOUR NAME, where are you from..and i go new your and he goes dont tell me long island. And i was like- i have a fucking great answer. Im from manhattan. TURNS OUT.. So was he. Private schooler DUH, but lived on the west side. His name was todd green and he took my phone and programmed his number. We continued conversation and parted ways when we got off the bus. I text him the next morning like he asked but he was a freshman and lived in my old dorms- not a significant story, just a good start to the night.
frogs is the place where most pepople go to dance
boardwalk is where you go to play pong, get cheap pitchers and if youre totally wasted-- eat really thin, cheesy pizza
tavern is a mess on thursdays. The whole place is the size of my living room, you get beer spilled everywhere and ive never enjoyed myself there
sandbar, MOapos;s and a couple of other places are strict about IDapos;s so in conclusion i usually go back and forth from frogs to boardwalk. Tonight (thursday) i attempted Moapos;s and got rejected and simultaneously lost susan to a crowd of people. Went into board walk becuase nothing was going in frogs (meaning no one was dancing yet) and met up with a bunch of people. Saw this cute guy from my american studies class and struck up good conversation over the pong table. Ive talked to him a couple of times outside of class while weapos;re both locking up our bikes, he works at the bar on campus- overall decent prospect for the night. Then i have no idea...I REALLY DONT KNOW WHAT HAPPENED from then until then next thing i know im fucking making out with this guy i met last year and really didnt like. THIS IS A HEAVILY PUBLIC MAKEOUT SESSION. I hear my friends in the background cheering me me on and i SO DID NOT WANT TO BE WITH THIS GUY but for some reason i couldnt muster a no. Finally he left and i went to talk to some of the people who i assumed to be the cheerers. NEXT ...nothing. The next thing that i remeber is that im leaving the bar WITH A TOTALLY DIFFERENT GUY. He happens to be the roomate of the guy i was oringinally macking (from my class)...he asks me to leave. I say yes. BEAR IN MIND i do not know if we had kissed before this, or why at all he woudl have gotten me to leave with him but i did. Vigorous makeout session in the cab- lots of good straddling. We go back to his house off campus. We proceed to engage in some pretty hot foreplay but i was really in a very drunker state where i was thinking things, and could only manage to get out a very limited amount of words. That sounds awful but the ones that i did manage to get out were the ones that mattered. GTE A CONDOM. So we does and sturggles with it - but thats because i dont know if he could get hard. He tells me to get on top and i do but he isnt hard... I dont remember much else???
the next morning i wake up because i slid his arm out from under me and i woke up. By the time he had come back into the room, i was already getting dressed. AND IT OCCURS TO ME THAT I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS KIDS NAME IS. When he comes back i ask WHY THE FUCK WE ARE UP AT 8 oclock and he says that he is driving to tampa. We make small conversation. He drives me back to the university. And as im getting out of the car i go "so i have to know, whats your name" he chuckles and says "greg, whats yours" i say lana, thanks for the ride"..and that was it. Im not sure if he really didnt know my name or just wanted to even the playing field, but it didnt really bother me
i proceeded to go back to my room and fall asleep for another couple of hours and then spent the rets of the day with jay
things with my and jay are beyond great.
this morning i had breakfast with josh one of my best guy friends, leah (aussie that is coming home with me over thanksgiving... And jay showed up later. After breakfast leah told me that i have puppy eyes when i look at jay- which doesnt make me feel bad, but doesnt make me feel great either.
er
have a really sick halloween costume ..im being a circus money and go a sick red vest at goodwill- along with other fantastic shit
life is good. Bu im pretty far behind in my work.

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Well, I hadapos;nt picked up a game blindly like this in ahwile but after hearing all the good buzz for Dead Space, and Resident Evil 5 being still months away I decided to check it out. I got to say; Its one of the better horror titles Iapos;ve played in ahwile. I donapos;t want to give too much away, but if you enjoyed cult sci-fi movies like Event Horizon, gameplay from Bioshock and Resident Evil 4, you may deffinatly want to look this one over. If anything give it a rent Itapos;s the perfect game for Halloween. :D

October is shapeing up to be a crazy good month for games here. Iapos;m really hopeing that Fallout 3 fulfills my expexctations.

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I miss you so much and I know I shouldnapos;t.� Although we are hella close friends it still feels wrong.� Do I miss you in the sense that a friend does?� Of course I do.� Brainwashing myself is such a hard task, especially following many years of back and forth feelings.� This is ridiculous.� Youapos;re all I know but you shouldnapos;t be.� Speaking about "when we grow up..." well now "growing up" is near.� Now what?
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I was really fooled. But then I woke myself up. Which is what I wish would happen as I dream. I donapos;t know what brings these ideas on, but doggone, its strange.

School has been great; being so busy has given me little time to focus on much else, which I find is very nice. Having too much time to sit and think has proven to be depressing.

I dislike painting greatly. I am not sure I understand what is so grand about it. If there is anything to understand at all. Perhaps it is my instructor. Either way, I dread the class. Maybe one day I will grow to love it. I have a history of doing such things.

I am loving sculpture and ceramics. Sadly, they are moving the ceramics lab next semester and not offering any classes. But sculpture is still going I feel like I have learned so much and found something I really like. I find that I am infinitely more attached to the arts that I can build and mold and create from the ground up; itsin my photography classmore rewarding. The sky is the limit. I am kind of discouraged in my photography class at the moment; I am not feeling any great motivation to really try. Its kind of a shame. I am 20 credit hours away from a graduation, so I feel like I am just kind of biding my time anyway. I am also considering picking up another major or a couple of minors because I have so much free time (academically). I am not sure I want to rush into graduating with the economy the way it is at the moment.

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Irsquo;ve been discovering it difficult to write lately. I know it may come of petty for some but Irsquo;m actually considering it as a big issue for myself. Writing has always been my stress reliever, my happy place in the midst of hostilitymdash;it gratifies me because it presents me life in a different angle where I can see the world more vividly and intricately, going beyond the physical and sometimes, even more. Writing is a giant grilled chicken sandwich with lots of pickles and chips on the sidemdash;my favorite, but I guess thatrsquo;s not a secret anymore. I donrsquo;t know why but nothing has been coming to me. I pondered on it and it resulted me a conclusion that I either lack inspiration or I may just posses too much of it that Irsquo;m having a hard time knowing what to put down first. Then again, with the many circumstances life has been perpetually pelting me, I think Irsquo;m standing on the border of both with eyes wide open.

�

Things will work its way on mehellip; so Irsquo;m told. Emotional catastrophe on a bright, Sunday morning, wow.

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So I broke up with S. Via text message. That sounds horrible; let me explain: Like I said, I called him extremely upset.� I felt as though I needed him; I needed someone and at the moment I felt I had no one. I called him expecting to be rescued and instead he just set me free. That five minute conversation told me I needed to break up with him.� It was over but still I waited until 10:00. Four hours later... Nothing.� No phone call, no text message, absolutely nothing.� I called him; he wouldnapos;t answer.� I texted him; he wouldnapos;t text back.� My final text message was sent to say that I was done.� Iapos;ve given up; itapos;s over.� This was two days ago and he still hasnapos;t contacted me.� He doesnapos;t care.� Now as I sit here alone, confused, melancholy if you will; I canapos;t help but think where he is, who heapos;s with.� Not that I care; I just resent the idea that heapos;s probably out having a great time with his apos;girlsapos;, while Iapos;m here as lonely as can be.� I do understand that it wonapos;t be this way forever; in the near future I should be talking to other guys and getting my shit together.� But for right now, in this moment, I realize my present predicament and I resent him for everything.� In a way, I regret the past 3 1/2 years because I feel they were years spent dishonestly.� He had been dishonest for a long time and I dealt with it.� I should have gotten out earlier but unfortunately I was too love drunk. And FYI for me to say I apos;regretapos; something is extremely unusual.� Iapos;m just in a very unhappy state right now.

Perhaps it is also because of everything I am going through with C.� A very ridiculous fight that I donapos;t even feel like thinking about or writing about because it gets me so sick.� Basically, Iapos;m breaking ties with more and more people because Iapos;m learning (the hard way) that a lot of people just care about themselves.� I donapos;t know whether to be upset about this discovery or take from it an idea that maybe I need to focus on myself more as well.� IDK.

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